Maybe some of Donbas? Russian troops leave other parts of Ukraine? We were thinking maybe a return to the status quo ante Feb. Macron: Well, mon cher Vovochka, those are kind of maximalist demands. You’ve got a cold winter ahead, Scholzy! Or are you depending on “global warming” to heat Berlin? Hah! Okay, how’s that for an off-ramp?

Also, you guys repair the Nord Stream pipelines so I can start sending you gas again. Speak Russian! And no more NATO expansion. Putin: So, here it is-you stop sending weapons and ammunition to that Jewish comedian in Kiev. Macron: Well, I mean, we all want a diplomatic solution, right? Do you need an off-ramp? Because if you do, I’ll give you one. Putin: An off-ramp? Manny, I don’t need an off-ramp. So, with your help, we can settle our disagreements to everyone’s satisfaction. Macron: Yes, we speak for NATO and for the European Union. Putin: Hey, what’s with Biden? He walks funny, you know? And does he really think boys can be girls and girls can be boys? Man, I’d like to go a couple of rounds on the judo mat with the Big Guy. Not as good as your Cognac, but Armenia is now-how shall I put it?-back in the fold. Not as good as your Sancerre but I think you’ll find it amusing. Putin: I have a nice white from the Russian regions of Georgia. Can I offer you some vodka and caviar? I have plenty.

Putin: I always welcome frank discussions. Scholz: To clear up misunderstandings! To put the ship back on an even keel! But you both know about Nazis, don’t you? Hah! Enough chit-chat. I’m so busy now with my Special Military Operation against the Ukrainian Nazis. But I didn’t have time for a real vacation. Alina and I spent a couple of days at my palace on the Black Sea.

Putin: Manny, Scholzy, I appreciate the good wishes.

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